Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Recovery, step 694,305,300,402

Unfortuately, the friend I was hoping had the answers didn't have the answers for me.  It kind of sounded like parts of my letter (like the parts from the beginning, through the middle, and towards the end) caught him a little by surprise.  Like I was saying, the crazy part about facebook reunions, is that one person usually isn't aware of the affect they had on another person's life.  One person can have larger than life memories about the other person and person number 2 barely remembers person number 1.  So I guess the secrets I was looking for will remain secret or missing.  I'm trying to decide that they weren't necessary to the journey I'm on anymore.

Brian's grant for his job was cut so he's looking for another job - probably doing the same thing but with a different age group or at a different school or agency.  Welding looks like it will be more profitable this summer which is a big help.  If we have a good welding summer, we don't need the work in the school year....but the economy has put such a damper on the welding business, it hasn't paid too well for a couple years.  We need another Greek millionaire who doesn't know what he's doing to come along and employ us for the summer.  That summer was golden.

Actually, if we could sell our house, we are ready to go to Ecuador.  Tired of 10 months of winter, cold all the time... no plants or trees that will grow in the garden.  I guess just ready to move on..

Brian's camera finally got here from Africa, so I'll post his africa pictures when I feel better.  He is having all his animals mounted or made into rugs, but they won't be here for at least another year.  Already dreaming and planning for his next trip and which animals he will look for then. 

OH, the recovery progress:  the exercise bike, in just 2 rides hurt my knees so bad that I sold it right away.  It wasn't the right piece of equipment for this stage in my body's recovery.  I HAVE lost a total of 27 pounds - still hundreds to go, but a very good start.  I have a goal of what I want to weigh before we move to Ecuador, so I still have lots of motivation to keep going.  The therapy program I'm using has you look at your past to find the roots of the problem, which I tried to do, and then you have to move on from there.  I think that being mentally crazy and physically disabled combined makes a journey difficult... and I have usually given up before.  I don't want to give up this time.  Because my mind doesn't always see things the way they were, I often turn to other people to ask their take on what happened, or what is happening.  I always assume , or at least hope, that they have an honest or clear impression of what really happened.. and no hidden agenda of their own that will taint their view of an event.   But of course, that is unrealistic.  We all see the parts of life that our eyes can see.  None of us EVER sees an event clearly and without our own agenda.  It's impossible.  Yet, that is what I am always looking for - the impossible, the perfect, the one that won't disappoint. 

It's too intense.  I drive people away from me with my intensity and my drama and my desire for all of life to be perfect.  I don't know if all the therapy in the world can fix that.